Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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