If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
