and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
