ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
