i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
