Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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