They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
And then he peed in my hair
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