I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
