Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
