She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
