She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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