Your mouth is God's brothel.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
