I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
