I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
