Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
