Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
