The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
