Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Randomize
