I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I have fence marks all over my body
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
