Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
