i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
