I am spending my child support on dildos
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
