I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
