nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
