Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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