She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
