you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
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