yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
