bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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