I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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