if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
