Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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