I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
