What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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