i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
it was like eating out sand paper
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
