My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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