Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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