my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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