There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
