Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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