When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
