i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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