God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
