Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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