Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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