One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
