this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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