I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I checked into jail on foursquare
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
