Farmville is her only friend.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
