my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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