I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm eating all of the evidence.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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