Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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