Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
