Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
